Friday, 1 January 2016

We've All Got Issues // All The Single Ladies Put Your Hands Up.

I don't know if anyone else is the same or going through the same things but currently I feel so "blaahhhh" and there are a million reasons as to why. 

I am writing openly in this post about my current reservations.

It's not always easy to talk out loud to a real life person but it is somewhat easier to write it down to access what is really going on. 

In life there are no easy ways out nor are there magic fixes for things, especially feelings. No one can tell you how you should be feeling because deep down you want to acknowledge the fact that the 'good advice' is right but you cannot change everything that is spinning in your mind. 

I don't have a massive close knit group of friends so right now this is the next best thing, I can vent, explain and ponder on what I write on here. It gives me some comfort to know that I may not be the only one who is having a massive frickin ball of doom hanging over my head. 

I cannot say that 2015 has been the worst year ever because it's not, admittedly it's had its ups and downs but in the last few months I have had to evaluate a lot of things going on in my life. 


To start off, I have been single for what, like... 6 years now and I thought I was okay with it. It turns out I am not, I am 28 and I am still god damn single, childless and still living with my parents. 

Hardly living the dream, right?! 

After a while it gets you down, a lot of friends have moved to the big smoke and I am left here amongst bails of hay and road kill. Not ideal. The fall out from this is that I rarely get out, a night out has become a thing of the past... A distant memory. Its tragic. How on earth am I meant to meet someone when most people don't even know I exist?! 

The guys I do meet are jerks... Actually complete asshole's and the one's I genuinely like are either taken, gay or I am firmly in their friend zone. What is actually up with that? 

I mean what is that above? Who even say's that?! THIS is why I am picky!! 

Why is it, when you find someone that you click with, feel comfortable with and can be yourself with they are untouchable? So many questions that need answering but unfortunately I don't have the resolution. 

It's rare that I can be like that with someone. The worst is when you were completely oblivious to any 'feelings' going on and then it suddenly hits you in the face like "oh hi, I thought you were doing so well but here, have a bunch of freaking emotions and thoughts. That should change things" :) 

And then, BAM.. It's hit you with full force like you have been pied in the face.

How are you meant to tell someone that you want more than what you are now without losing them forever? Catch twenty two situation, you don't tell them and you feel like you are dying a slow death. Or you tell them and risk digging your own grave. Either way you will not win the battle. 

That is happening to me and it sucks serious ass because... What, you cannot actually tell the person what you're feeling. What if what you're actually feeling isn't about the person in question but of a general situation that you are confusing into conjunction with reality? You cannot let this affect the relationship/friendship because THAT is total suicide. Plus, who am I kidding. It's never going to happen. 

 I just want the small things but that has become a game of cat and mouse. So many games. Why so many games?

Then your mind works over time just to put you on edge even more than you are already. "Do they think the same?" "No, they won't be thinking the same because er... they don't even know that you're thinking what you're thinking". Forget about the meat sweats it's the fear sweats that you need to be afraid of. 

Arrgghhhh, I really dislike being a woman sometimes because all these little hormones kick in and make you seem like a picnic short of a packet of crisps. We are NOT though, we are just trying to work out our irrational selves.   

I cry at everything at the moment (in secret as I don't like crying in front of people). I blame the music in a lot the things I watch... It can't possibly be ME!! I am a happy soul and I don't like feeling crappy. I thought it was about a main reason, I think it was about that main reason. Maybe it's not. Who knows?!

I wish I was one of those people who could just switch off completely but I can't. I am learning and it's hard. You wouldn't be able to tell though because I hide the reality from my face. Poker face expert me. :D

Being an adult really isn't all that fun, I want to be in London... Since I was young I have always said I will move to London and then to New York (obviously I wasn't thinking straight back then as I have a fear of flying. Ha). I am just too scared to do it on my own. I really do annoy myself. 

I love how I am just venting here and most of it probably doesn't even make sense. 

2016 is now here and I don't know what the hell that's going to bring me, but it better be some good luck. 

I want to be in a job/career that I love and if that does mean moving to London then that's what I will have to do. Maybe have a panic attack in between. Ha. 

And I want all the other things that a woman wants in life. 

Right now, I am biding my time for all the right reasons, that said, doing so will bring me all the things that I want.



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